失望和傷心

 明顯地感覺到他對 Hue 的期待，而且全是喜悅；自從美莉師姐提起將會有一個配音的集會。他的「歡喜」持續了兩天。 

然後，當我問起確切日期時，他反轉了情緒，說起她對他的敵意。甚至申述起，她不會原諒他犯錯，而他總是會原諒她。聽起來，他一直在期待她的原諒。 

我問他，他從來沒有被「拒絕往來」過嗎？譬如他曾經帶回家的前女友？ 他說，他們分手後仍是朋友。

我卻完全不是這樣解讀的。 

他大概忘記自己過去如何描述那段感情的。但我記得。

他現在全心全意都在盼望再次看到 Hue。等著可能的釋出善意，甚至復合。真是難以理解的愚蠢。

過去交往時我就知道，在深夜睡前我們的交談，他太忙於和她的聊天，所以敷衍著打字，久久才回一個字，然後就著急著說晚安。只是不知道那個人就是 Hue. 

其實他一直都維持著對她的感情，可說是「任其擺佈」，要錢給錢，固定在深夜裡的聊天。我還知道，是她教他用 Line 顯示「兩人一起的合照」，我還記得，他圈選我的圖照和他一起，說要每天都在一起，那時我的感覺是「不可置信」；現在回想起來，我的直覺已經告訴我真相，但是我自己不願意面對。

我只想相信他的「話」：甜言蜜語那一種。

我還知道了，週日早上不曾是我們的約會時間，原來他是保留給她的週日禪修。因為她是週日的知客接待，他等著她那歡迎的致意。他那個特殊的揮手手式。

想起來，我一直是備胎。即使我們住在一起了，他也沒看見我的存在，不關心我的生活。他變得任性，不在意花錢。有一次他輕率的說要去吃新開幕的燒烤餐廳時，美莉師姐還很驚訝地說，他怎麼突然間這麼aggressive!? 

我當然知道，如果能比較的話，我是他的最佳選擇：因為我最寵他，願意花錢在他身上，一直以來都是。

他不知道價值，送給他的禮物都是The Bay 的高檔貨，直到這家百貨公司倒閉！ 而有滿多的衣服和鞋子都不見他穿，而且都消失了。當然，他是轉送她的爸爸吧。

他不知道人的好壞。我不介意他不懂禮物的價值，但是他錯把無關的人當成重要的人物，使我驚心！ 對於利用他的人，他居然都當成重要的朋友！ 

他對於「名譽」，其實是虛名的重視程度尤其讓我震驚的失望。

他不懂他對她沒有對錯的討好，其實變成她的特權，從此對他予取予奪，不假辭色；所以，今天他的錯愕和痛苦，根本是他咎由自取的錯誤認知。

這是我自己此刻的覺醒！ 因為他正是這樣對待我的。

他不捨得買好東西送我，過去居然送我超大的長褲，很清楚的，是那種花車上的清倉貨底。那次我真的非常生氣，以為他弄錯了對象，是送惠玲的；如果他真的沒有和惠玲交往，那麼他就覺得只要便宜貨送我就夠了！ 那次的鬧分手，說到底，就是他不在乎我。我只值得便宜貨，甚至不是我的尺寸。

他不知道我待他的好，視他為最重要的人，不知道珍惜這樣對待他的我。這種回顧省思，時常使我很傷痛，不敢相信他怎麼會這麼待我？ 太隨便了。 這也讓我想起他訴苦的說起，他沒有朋友。我明白了為什麼。因為他沒有親疏、沒有輕重的分別，讓人也不會重視他，反正不管怎麼樣，他都傻呼呼的熱情以待。他的長期家教學生Kristal 和他的中文老師都是例子。這是他自己造成的啊！他還抗議我對他的分析：這些人都在佔他的便宜，賺他的錢；還輕輕鬆鬆地，完全不當他是一回事。

我開始分析給他聽，希望他能分別好壞；但也暗自期待他會「發現」我是對他最好的人。而我卻也是他最忽略的人。 即使我如此努力經營他的禪修活動，全付心力照顧他的飲食生活，維持這個「家」。

不知道我能等他到多久，確信的是，我發的願望極可能也就剩下七年了，而現在我不知道自己能否走完七年。他的敷衍我和對Hue 不捨不棄的態度，已經開始讓我灰心了。他怎麼這麼迷戀Hue？這個甚至不能用美麗來形容的冷酷勢利的女人，我一直不認為這樣的女人能有愛情，卻怎麼都想不到，我卻敗給了她！

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