Terrified

 He broke a glass cup. It was not a thing. It terrified me when I heard his groan at his door. 

He had turned on the light, and I can assume he was awake already. It was late than usual when he got up and went showering. I knew him will have a busy day for work. I was afraid he was. 

I need to assure myself that I am strong enough not only for him but also myself. Basically I am worried about him being ignored by people who used him as a slave. But it turned out that he probably preferred to be. And then he became a back stabber to me. 

He now is packed with full schedules, and has no sense of time, still taking all DDM Meditation programs. It is all about him but he doesn’t consider his health. He took wrong way of my meal planning at home. And that  I suggested that he to pay for all dining out bills was making him to have the sense of always dining out. But sadly he took it as I cared about the restaurant bills only. 

It’s hard to make him understand what we are through. Or rather I have been through. He didn’t see my suffering. Of course it is I not he. 

Which led me to believe that he only loved himself for what he was after. That he wants fame and praise is not wrong but it is the price he pays for. And the wrong people he works for. All his efforts ironically is to assure Myriam to get the second term of DDM president. And that would only lead to my miserable life and even cut short my life. I simply just can’t get more unsleeping nights for my rest life. I am much elderly and he younger. He is not capable of taking care of himself nor me. The point is I will not be able to take care of him. 

When these facts merge with time, it matters. 

I understood what I encountered which he was ignorant was damaging our mutual life for sure. It happened again and again. This led me back to my question: am I capable to make it right? Another sleepless night resulted in me, and I need to sleep for a rest. 

Listening to his movements last night in the dark, I was worried that I am losing him because he can’t tell the difference between good and bad. He chooses to help the bad people but against me. He became very sensitive to sounds and smells which all related to me, I took it as an implication that he can’t bear with me and wanted to get rid of me! He didn’t say it out loud but complained about it. This is so typical of him but I feel terrified of him because I don’t know what he will do with me next. 

In dark, sleepless nights I was questioning myself about my rest life will be ~ obviously he takes DDM much more seriously than me, at the very beginning. Who am I to beg him for help me out of Myriam’s shamelessness? He is trying hard to please her ! She can approach him with a way of my no knowledge of, and he is with her. I now found out that it was not coincidental but on purpose that she turned out to be standing next to him. It was all by calculation! 

I can not fight it: DDM is what he settled for life goal. In DDM, he get the title and chances to meet more people, it is not that he wants to help DDM but the praise and recognition he is after. No one is the rescue of DDM as he thinks he is. He makes excuses to cover up for his own pursuit. And I don’t want to against his true intentions, after all, I want him to be happy. So, it’s time to think it over : helping him by destroying myself? While Myriam is the president of DDM and he needs her validation! 



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